Saturday, 31 October 2015

Review: Umineko Episode 1 - Legend of the Golden Witch (Visual Novel)

Like me. I'm cool, aren't I?
Hmm. I really didn't want to review Umineko for obvious reasons, but it'll always be on my "to-do" list and on the back of my mind if I don't. So, that is why I am here today. Now, I'll try not to hold you too long so I'll do my best to minimize and cram in my general thoughts on it. First off, I would just like to mention that I only read the first episode of Umineko. Why, may you ask? Well, the Umineko episodes/arcs are too fucking long for one thing and I ain't got the time to spend many hours on end reading a stupid, goddamn, mediocre visual novel. Meh. 
Now that I got that out of the way, on to the actual review and firstly what I didn't like. Now, the main failing of Ryukishi 07's writing is that he does not have the ability to properly write and execute his ideas. Sometimes the dialogue is flat and uninteresting, scenes go on for far too long, and there's about 10 sentences said when it can be summed up in 1. Though that can be said for near enough every visual novel or text based medium from Japan, leaving you just wanting to roll the above video. Yes, I went there. 
Okay. These are kinda funny I will admit.
Also, there's a ton of pointless dialogue and boring scenes which could have easily been shortened or been brief. But, no! We get like 45 minutes or so of the adults rambling on about father's inheritance, who will get it, and poking fun at each other's failings. It goes on for far too long and a lot of the info is rather unnecessary. Meh. Lastly, Maria promising to Battler that when she grows up she'll let him grope her... Yes, that happens, and it's an example of Ryukishi 07 letting his otaku side take over. Seriously, this was unnecessary and only serves as pedo-bait for his otaku fanbase. And that's the truth. People like to deny that he isn't "like that", but there is so much evidence in his works to support what I say that you're a fucking idiot if you say otherwise. Grow up and stop defending this freak just because "he created muh Umineko and muh Higurashi, and I don't want to bash senpai because of that". Ugh. 
Average Umineko fans thoughts on the series
Anyhow, to sum up what I didn't like, it was too long, there was too much text, fanfiction tier writing, often boring dialogue, self-insert Battler and his edgy past, long scenes which should have been shortened, and there was a bunch of literacy errors spread throughout the episode. I mean, didn't anybody spell check this shit or at least look it over? Because there was even full stops where questions marks where meant to be among other things. I do all my crap by myself and I do at least that. Sheesh. Some people. Also, just to comment on the translation itself, it was good but not necessarily god-tier like many people have said. Yeah, and it seems that people say god-tier whenever Umineko is mentioned, because the porn is just that good, right? 
Shit eating grin
Now, on to what I did like. The family interactions were nicely done. They laugh, they cry, they bitch and moan like normal people. Those parts were well done. However, it does become rather annoying every so often when it gets "too anime". Eva performing a martial arts kick, leaving her foot right off somebody's nose in the airport for one thing. Too anime. Ryukishi 07 should try to stay more in terms of realism and real life rather than letting his otaku/moe side take over and do the writing for him. And that's also something that I don't like about his stories. 
The character most of the toxicity is centered around. Because porn.
For example, Higanbana could have been much better if he for once stopped writing with his dick and otaku side, because a problem that I had with it was that it was "too anime". He honestly could have told the same story about "bullying" if he simply removed the anime-esqe supernatural yokai, and it would have been much better because of that. Then again, what do I know? I just hate on him for no apparent reason. Also, check out my Higanbana review if you're interested in more on that. 

And back to Umineko. The music was nice, but not god-tier as many people have said. Higurashi's music has more charm and is overall better. And lastly, I did enjoy the sprites and backgrounds, they were nice and are much better than the unholy PS3 one's which lack soul and charm. However, I didn't like how near enough every character has a giant rack because that's rather unnecessary and only serves to fuel everybody's titty monster fetish. And, no, I am not tumblr. And to sum up what I liked, good music, good character interactions, and charmful sprites. Hmm. That's a very short list. I said more bad than good. Though it is always easier to concentrate on what's bad than what's good. Anyway, moving on. 
Laugh. Troll face lol fam blt bbq
And that's that. I know I said I'd try to keep it short, but, there was a lot to cover so long heaps of text were expected. That said, I hope you enjoyed the review. However, don't expect another one on Umineko ever again because I am not going to read past the first episode. They're too long and I haven't got the time to read 'em. I have a life, and no way in hell am I wasting my precious time on something like this. All said, I hope I managed to cover everything I wanted to. I read the VN over a month ago, I think, so my memory of it may not be the best. It was all right, and could have been better, but it's not bad or anything like that. It just has a lot of problems. Anyway, that's all I have to say. See ya next time. Bye!

P.S. - The thing I hate the most about Umineko is its autistic fanbase. What a bunch of pathetic losers. Shoving the series in everybody's faces as well as being loud, obnoxious and meme spamming, and liking a terribly written contrived mess. Only a few people talk about it normally from what I've seen. Fuck you all, anyway.


  1. To be honest i enjoyed the series, but it's true that it's unnecesarily long.
    And the murders are not really that different from one another.

    Well, since you might already know and you don't care about playing the series anyway... like in "then there were none", no one know what actually happened in Rokenjima.
    Basically all the games are fantasy explanations of something that must had been certainly a lot simpler. There is no actual magic involved, no witches, no paralel worlds, just a series of novels about things that actually never happened.

    There is no answer to be found, so it's not strange that no answers are given.

    I felt way more satisfied with Higurashi as the obvious answer "if people had trusted each other instead of hiding stuff, no one would had killed each other". When you reach the answer and learn about the Hinamizawa syndrome everything falls neatly in place.
    You never get that feeling from Umineko, so if you did not liked it, i understand it.

    I'll rather read "And then there were none" again than Umineko.

    1. Yeah, I already know about all that other shite. Put me off immensely when I read about it.

    2. But there are answers, in episode 7 in fact