Review: Umineko Episode 1 - Legend of the Golden Witch (Visual Novel)

Like me. I'm cool, aren't I?

Hmm. I really didn't want to review Umineko for obvious reasons, but it'll always be on my "to-do" list and on the back of my mind if I don't. So, that is why I am here today. Now, I'll try not to hold you too long so I'll do my best to minimize and cram in my general thoughts on it. First off, I would just like to mention that I only read the first episode of Umineko. Why, may you ask? Well, the Umineko episodes/arcs are too fucking long for one thing and I ain't got the time to spend many hours on end reading a stupid, goddamn, mediocre visual novel. Meh. 

Now that I got that out of the way, on to the actual review and firstly what I didn't like. Now, the main failing of Ryukishi 07's writing is that he does not have the ability to properly write and execute his ideas. Sometimes the dialogue is flat and uninteresting, scenes go on for far too long, and there's about 10 sentences said when it can be summed up in 1. Though that can be said for near enough every visual novel or text based medium from Japan, leaving you just wanting to roll the above video. Yes, I went there. 

Okay. These are kinda funny I will admit.

Also, there's a ton of pointless dialogue and boring scenes which could have easily been shortened or been brief. But, no! We get like 45 minutes or so of the adults rambling on about father's inheritance, who will get it, and poking fun at each other's failings. It goes on for far too long and a lot of the info is rather unnecessary. Meh. Lastly, Maria promising to Battler that when she grows up she'll let him grope her... Yes, that happens, and it's an example of Ryukishi 07 letting his otaku side take over. Seriously, this was unnecessary and only serves as pedo-bait for his otaku fanbase. And that's the truth. People like to deny that he isn't "like that", but there is so much evidence in his works to support what I say that you're a fucking idiot if you say otherwise. Grow up and stop defending this freak just because "he created muh Umineko and muh Higurashi, and I don't want to bash senpai because of that". Ugh. 

Average Umineko fans thoughts on the series

Anyhow, to sum up what I didn't like, it was too long, there was too much text, fanfiction tier writing, often boring dialogue, self-insert Battler and his edgy past, long scenes which should have been shortened, and there was a bunch of literacy errors spread throughout the episode. I mean, didn't anybody spell check this shit or at least look it over? Because there was even full stops where questions marks where meant to be among other things. I do all my crap by myself and I do at least that. Sheesh. Some people. Also, just to comment on the translation itself, it was good but not necessarily god-tier like many people have said. Yeah, and it seems that people say god-tier whenever Umineko is mentioned, because the porn is just that good, right? 

Shit eating grin

Now, on to what I did like. The family interactions were nicely done. They laugh, they cry, they bitch and moan like normal people. Those parts were well done. However, it does become rather annoying every so often when it gets "too anime". Eva performing a martial arts kick, leaving her foot right off somebody's nose in the airport for one thing. Too anime. Ryukishi 07 should try to stay more in terms of realism and real life rather than letting his otaku/moe side take over and do the writing for him. And that's also something that I don't like about his stories. 

The character most of the toxicity is centered around. Because porn.

For example, Higanbana could have been much better if he for once stopped writing with his dick and otaku side, because a problem that I had with it was that it was "too anime". He honestly could have told the same story about "bullying" if he simply removed the anime-esqe supernatural yokai, and it would have been much better because of that. Then again, what do I know? I just hate on him for no apparent reason. Also, check out my Higanbana review if you're interested in more on that. 

And back to Umineko. The music was nice, but not god-tier as many people have said. Higurashi's music has more charm and is overall better. And lastly, I did enjoy the sprites and backgrounds, they were nice and are much better than the unholy PS3 one's which lack soul and charm. However, I didn't like how near enough every character has a giant rack because that's rather unnecessary and only serves to fuel everybody's titty monster fetish. And, no, I am not tumblr. And to sum up what I liked, good music, good character interactions, and charmful sprites. Hmm. That's a very short list. I said more bad than good. Though it is always easier to concentrate on what's bad than what's good. Anyway, moving on. 

Laugh. Troll face lol fam blt bbq

And that's that. I know I said I'd try to keep it short, but, there was a lot to cover so long heaps of text were expected. That said, I hope you enjoyed the review. However, don't expect another one on Umineko ever again because I am not going to read past the first episode. They're too long and I haven't got the time to read 'em. I have a life, and no way in hell am I wasting my precious time on something like this. All said, I hope I managed to cover everything I wanted to. I read the VN over a month ago, I think, so my memory of it may not be the best. It was all right, and could have been better, but it's not bad or anything like that. It just has a lot of problems. Anyway, that's all I have to say. See ya next time. Bye!

P.S. - The thing I hate the most about Umineko is its autistic fanbase. What a bunch of pathetic losers. Shoving the series in everybody's faces as well as being loud, obnoxious and meme spamming, and liking a terribly written contrived mess. Only a few people talk about it normally from what I've seen. Fuck you all, anyway.

Saikano: Saishuu Heiki Kanojo English Translation Project (PS2)

Now, this is just something I’ve been having on the side until I finished translating just the prologue of the game, which wasn’t that long ago. However, I don’t want to TL any further since I may or may not even get help to hack the game and rip the graphics nor be able to implement a translation of what I’ve done or if I translate any further. And now we come to the reason for this post. I just want to put out there that if somebody has the know-how of hacking PS2 games and making changes to their respective font files, then please contact me as soon as possible so that progress can be made. I really want to translate this PS2 game, but I don’t have the technical know-how nor the contacts to make it happen. However, translating is my game and that’s what I do, so obviously somebody else has to help out and do the rest.

Chise, what did they do to you?

Anyway, here’s a little about the game from what I’ve seen. It’s a visual novel, obviously, has path routes, granted, has dialogue choices, granted again, multiple endings, granted again again, and mini game dialogue choices and various other minigames? Okay, that one I didn’t expect. Now, at certain points in the game you have the ability to drag your cursor and pick something that you can see on screen, either that be planes in the sky or Chise’s face or clothing and the like. However, you only get one choice most of the time so choose wisely as it does affect the following scene, a few lines of dialogue, or your relationship meter with Chise. Kinda odd since I’ve never seen that in a VN before. Interesting. (FYI, talking about the cursor minigame.)

Riveting, isn't it?

Furthermore, the cursor pick mini game isn’t the only one I’ve seen as there are also a few others. First up is some weird minigame where dialogue flows around the screen and you have to hit a key to select one of them, I think. Anyway, it affects the following scene since what you choose is what you say, again I think. I haven’t bothered TL’ing the minigame parts or their tutorials, was lazy. Moving on. Second is some character card picker minigame which first appeared at the end of the game's first chapter, and from what I can tell, whoever you choose gives you either a bonus or minus in your relationship with Chise. The characters are Chise, Akemi, Atsushi, Fuyumi, and Tetsu, and their respective increase or decrease are as follows:

• Chise + 1
• Akemi + 0
• Atsushi + 1
• Fuyumi - 2
• Tetsu + 2

Moving on. What I like about this game is that it actually gives you the chance to change events in the story. You can stop the world from ending, save Akemi from dying, end up with her or Fuyumi, and that’s actually a great appeal seeing how everything ends in the anime. Hubba hubba. Also, I don’t know if this always happens or not depending on your choices, but it seems that Take doesn’t die during the bombing of Sapporo, and instead lives. Interesting. I wonder what else this game has in store. Anyhow, the music is actually pretty good and I am liking it. And while the graphics may not be the best thing in the world, it manages to maintain the artstyle of the anime which is a major bonus that I really appreciate. 

What? Don't judge me.

However, it does tend to borrow a lot from the anime itself which in itself is a little worrying. Event pictures and even backgrounds seem to have been lifted for use with the game, and a ton of anime clips, too. But! I think the reason they did that was to first be cheap, and second, to maintain the artstyle of the anime. And guess what, it worked! Unsure, but I wonder if any other anime VN’s did this. Kinda unique if you ask me. Also, 15 minutes of new animation was drawn for the game and that I was able to rip with help from the God of War himself, Kratos. You can find the video on Youtube, but sadly, the quality isn’t that very good since YT likes to crush vids into ugly messes. Still, I have the original video file and I always will. Hee hee. Lastly, as with many VN’s voice acting, it tends to be rather flat and uninteresting at times. However, it’s not the worst I’ve ever heard so it’s mediocre at best.

And now we’ve finally come to the end of this post. Aww, too bad. I was getting kinda excited. Still, I hope you enjoyed reading as this game is rather obscure. It was only uploaded on JP game sites in 2012 which is the time that I downloaded it, but it died not long after and the only reliable, working link that I know of is the one that I myself uploaded, and that’s worrying. Furthermore, there’s isn’t exactly much information about the game itself on the net, so if anyone ever comes to looking for info, I guess right here would be their first stop. Anyway, if anybody knows of PS2 hacking groups or anyone who has the skills to help me out, then please fire them my way or at least let me know. Thank you for reading, and see you next time.

P.S. - I’ve only played as far as the start of the second chapter, so I’m unsure what the rest of the game holds in content. But if you’re interested in seeing for yourself, then I recommend you to download the game off my blog and try it out. Have fun!